This is my PTSD story and one I sincerely hope might help other service members suffering PTSD from any war, from any service, or from any disaster. To give you a context, this account is from a retired Army Aviator who served two tours in Viet Nam, spending about twenty-two months in that war torn nation. I was that Army Aviator.
I came home from my first tour, got married, packed up our wedding gifts, and then we moved to the next duty station. I was unaware of any symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. As far as I was concerned, life was good. Besides, I wasn’t even thinking about PTSD, because the diagnosis didn’t exist in the sixties. In fact, it wasn’t recognized until the l970’s and it became official with the American Psychiatric Association in 1980. Up to this time, soldier trauma was referred to as “shell shock” a term left over from previous world wars.
As previously mentioned, the first tour in Vietnam did not seem to trouble me at all. However, my wife noticed some changes in my behavior. First, I had been home only two weeks when I was driving on an Interstate immediately adjacent to Disneyland in Anaheim, California. It was the Fourth of July and at the exact moment we came abreast of Disneyland, the Park exploded a volley of sky rockets – fireworks – over our heads. I nearly wrecked us and our new car. The explosions were unexpected and a traumatic reminder of mortar and 122 mm rocket rounds going off.
The second thing my wife noticed occurred when we went out to eat in local restaurants. Several things were in play. I’d stop just inside the restaurant door and survey the layout and crowd. Next would locate all the exits and then find a seat against a wall, always with a clear view of the main entrance/exits. Even now, some 40 years later, I still feel uncomfortable with my back to a restaurant entrance. My accommodating wife knows this and to this day will ask where I want to sit.
Now the two things described above, while common symptoms of PTSD, did not indicate that disorder for me at the time. I did not have that level of stress or trauma. And now when cars backfire and when we go to fireworks shows, there is no residual reaction to the noise, and my choice of restaurant seating is not because of fear. Rather, it is a result of conditioning for survival, and that means being aware of your surroundings. The military training had instilled a habit which is an advantage now when we’re advised to be watchful in our surroundings because of terrorist attacks on “soft targets”. I guess “once a soldier, always a soldier” applies. But when we go out with others to eat, I cannot always have my seat of choice and that’s ok, there is no anxiety.
As I said, life seemed good when I came home from the first tour. However, it was a different story after the second tour. When I arrived home there was a problem. It was not something evident to others and only affected me. My wife was unaware of it until I told her about it. The problem was nightmares. I had violent nightmares almost every night. In fact, they were extremely violent, bloody and filled with a lot of death and dying. Most nights I was killing others or being killed or both. None of the people I saw in the dreams was a real person existing in my every-day life, past or present. The people in the dreams, except for me, were characters I never knew.
It was hard to get a decent night’s sleep and it was wearing. Finally, awoke one night all sweaty from another terrible dream. I sat upright in bed, and prayed quietly but boldly, “God, if you are real, you can make these nightmares go away.”
I had gone to Sunday school as a kid, but until that night, I had no on-going relationship or personal experience with any God. I wasn’t sure He existed. In all honesty, I was probably my own god.
To my surprise, after about a week, I realized there had been no more nightmares – none, not one. This had my full attention, so I watched and waited to see if this was a fluke, wondering if the dreams would return. A few weeks then turned into months. I was amazed that the nightmares hadn’t returned. That took place over 40 years ago and in fact, for 15 years, I did not dream anything, good or bad.
My curiosity was peaked with the dramatic stop to the terrible dreams. I had cried out to God and he had answered in the most powerful way, healing me of the nightmares. This was nothing I did or could take credit for. God did it. My immediate conclusion was God could be trusted. This was a huge “wow” and a victory that led to a search for answers. I wanted to know, “How did this happen? Why? Who is God?” I learned that the explanation for my deliverance from those nightmares can be found in the Bible. Specifically in the Old Testament Book of Isaiah, Chapter 45 verse 22 (Isaiah 45.22), where it says, “Look to Me (God) and be saved.” I also learned that the New Testament book of Mark reminds us that “All things are possible with God” (Mark 10.27).
I have also learned that God can redeem even battlefield experiences. Two years ago my wife and I were at a popular coastal California marina for lunch. My wife was carrying a large shoulder bag which she knows how to carry defensively. The incident happened on a week day so there were none of usual weekend-sized crowds. As we walked along the marina fence I noticed a guy who began to follow us. We stopped to look at boats; he stopped also and when we started walking, he followed again. I turned around, pointed at him, and he took off running through a parking lot. Not fifteen minutes later and further down the way, the same thing happened though the stalker was a different guy. We passed him sitting on a park bench and he fell in behind about thirty paces back. I took the same action as previously, and the second guy took off running also.
The point is that I don’t see trouble lurking behind every bush and do not walk around looking for or expecting trouble. I am vigilant, but not afraid. In fact, I am at peace. Once freed from fear and the trauma of war experiences, I have learned that we can use our military training or combat experience in everyday living, and it can serve us well. Much of that training simply teaches us to be observant and aware of our surroundings.
To wrap up, I believe this same God of the Holy Bible who healed and delivered me can deliver and heal others of PTSD. It may happen differently and more or less dramatically than it did in my experience. God is God and we cannot forecast or guarantee how He will work in any given situation. I felt I had nothing to lose when crying out to Him and you may be at that point as well.
The impact of God’s intervention eventually lead me to become a Christian. I have been walking that walk ever since.
My hope and prayer is that this testimony will bring hope and healing to others who suffer trauma because of their military, law enforcement, or first responder service.
I’m proud of serving this fine country and its citizens. Despite the trauma, without reservation I would do it all over again